The Office Quotes Season 1

Want to duplicate the hilarity of The Office Sitcom in your own office. Try these quotes on for size.

Pilot


Michael: I think that pretty much sums it up. (he is holding a coffee mug that reads "World's Best Boss") I found it at Spenser's Gifts.


Dwight: Your pencils are creating a health hazard. I could fall and pierce an organ.


Michael: I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.


Michael: This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple years ago.


Michael:(about the downsizing) Am I going to tell them? No I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point in that. As a doctor you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.


Read the episode recap for The Office Pilot


Diversity Day


After Jim kills the power to Dwight's shredder, Dwight pushes the receiver button thus promptly ending Jim's sales call.
Jim: Thanks Dwight
Dwight: Retaliation. Tit for tit.
Jim: That is not the expression.
Dwight: Well it should be.


The Chris Rock joke that prompted Corporate to call for Diversity Day:
Kevin: (as Chris Rock) Basically there are two types of black people. And black people are actually more racist because they hate the other type of black people. Everytime the one type wants to have a good time then the other type comes in and makes a real mess.
Micahel: Okay, I'm sorry. he is really butchering it. Can you just let me...(and Michael goes into the routine)


Dwight: A hero kills people. People that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part super natural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma or a disaster that must be avenged.


Kevin: Hey.
Angela: Hey.
Kevin: You wanna go to the beach?
Angela: Sure.
Kevin: You wanna get high?
Angela: No.
Kevin: I think you do, mon.


Oscar: Both my parents were born in Mexico, and they moved to the United States a year before I was born, so I grew up in the United States... my parents were Mexican.
Michael: Wow, that is a great story. That's the American dream right there, right? Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides ĎMexican' that you prefer? Something less offensive?


Michael: This, is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell outa here.


Pam: If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue and I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.
Dwight: Oh Man, Am I a woman?!


Read the episode recap for The Office Diversity Day


Health Care


Jim: Because right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.


Dwight: I'm not mad, I just wanna know who did it so that I can punish them.


Dwight: Who wrote this, this hysterical one? Anal fissures.
Kevin: That's a real thing
Dwight: Yeah, but no one here has it
Kevin: (under his breath) Someone has it


Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you wanna raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it


Jim: Last night on ĎTrading Spouses,' there's... did you see it?
Pam: No, I have a life.
Jim: Interesting, what's that like?
Pam: You should try it some time.
Jim: Wow. But then who would watch my TV?


Read the episode recap for The Office Health Care


The Alliance


Michael: I had a whole bunch of these I didn't use. 'Meredith, Elizabeth Taylor called. She wants her age back. And her divorces.' Or, 'Meredith is so old that she went into an antique store and they kept her.'


Jim: "Everything Dwight does annoys me."


Michael: I think if I was allergic to dairy I'd kill myself.


Dwight: Studies show that more information is passed through watercooler gossip than through official memos, which puts me at a disadvantage because (picks up water bottle) I bring my own water to work.


Read the episode recap for The Office The Alliance


Basketball


Pam: My finacee has plans for us this Saturday so I really hope Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him. I'm kidding, totally kidding.


Jim: Pam gets a little down. Her toaster oven broke, which she got at her engagement shower, um for a wedding that still has yet to be set. That was three years ago.


Angela: Has anyone seen the first aid kit?
Dwight holds the first aid kit in the air.
Angela: How many times have I told you? I'm the safety officer not you.


Michael: Letís figure out our starting lineup. Stanley, of course.
Stanley: Iím sorry?
Michael: What do you play? Center?
Stanley: Whatís that supposed to mean? Why Ďof courseí?
Michael: I donít remember saying that.


Dwight: Well we need someone to work this Saturday, and I think it should beÖJim.
Jim: God, this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power Iíve ever seen go to someoneís head.


Read the episode recap for The Office Basketball


Hot Girl


Michael: Wow, look at you. You are aÖYouíre like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0.


Roy: Man I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam.
Pam: We're not dating we're engaged.
Roy: Engaged. Yeah.


Michael: Pam, how do girls your age feel about futons?


Michael: Do I have a special someone? Well, yeah, of course, a bunch of 'em, my employees. If I had to choose between a one night stand with some stupid cow I pick up in a bar and these people...I pick them every time. Because with them, it is an everyday stand adn I still know their names in the morning.


Michael: First we have to do is figure out what motivates people more than anything else.
Dwight: Sex.
Michael: Itís illegal, canít do that, next best thing?
Dwight: Torture.
Michael: Da, come on Dwight, help me out here, thatís just stupid.


Read the episode recap for The Office Hot Girl



Great Quotes From All Episodes

Season 1, All Episodes

Season 2, Episodes 1-8

Season 2, Episodes 9-16

Season 2, Episodes 17-23

Season 3, Episodes 1-8

Season 3, Episodes 9-16